This isn't like your house. This is our house. We love it. The studio is a nice place to be and we're determined to keep it that way. We're crazy about it; beaming proud. Please do not move our furniture around, stand on our chairs, mess with the lights (especially the lights), or plug your laptops into random outlets without discussing it with us first. We'll work with you. Just let us know what you need. Well, we might work with you. You can't snooze here just because you're away from your office; there are all those boutique hotels on Spadina and these nice TTC shelters we've got all over downtown, they're there for you. We're more than happy to help you find the door and point you in the right direction if that's what you need.    

The Golden Rule.  This should be first, or have it's own page or something, but it isn't and it doesn't. We have so many kinds of people here, all the time, different people that are nothing like you, nothing like us. We're really into that. We don't tolerate adevism, racism, absurdism...  there are so many bad-isms that piss everyone off but there are lots of good ones, too. If you subscribe to a good-ism, that's great. We support you in your efforts, but we will frown heavily upon preaching or proselytizing in our studio. And limit the story of your rebirthing to ten minutes so the assistants can pour coffee for other clients, too. Just treat everyone here with the respect we say they deserve.  

Shooting.  We go to extraordinary lengths to produce great photography. Great photography takes a little more time, so please be patient. We are very thorough because we know the shoot costs you sleep. And money. Sometimes the light has attitude and doesn't play nice and we have to re-tune exposure. If we have a suggestion to augment your shot, take a chance and act on it. Variety is the spice of life, you know; white bread doesn't digest that well, anyway.

Peak Flow.  Certain hours of the day and evening are more harried than others, and at these times it's all we can do to keep the roof from falling on our heads. There could be a wait for uploading image files, or a wait for burning your media or changing the set.

We'll let you know what the situation is, and should that situation be that we are in desperate need of workspace surfaces for the product stylist, we might ask you to give up yours if you're not using it. That's such a remote possibility, but we want you to know it exists. Don't be offended; it might be you needing the space tomorrow. And no, you cannot have a bigger table for all your crap. We are not a library. 

Be Good. This is so simple, kind of a subset to the Rule above. Do the right thing. Be polite, be patient with the crew (consider the interdependency between a well-treated crew and an excellent shoot day: if you were here one time and weren't, the attitude you receive on subsequent visits might be proportionate to the degree and nature of past interactions. We've told the crew the same, but in reverse).  

We Reserve the Right, etc. etc.  We reserve so many rights. No looking through the camera. Or bringing your own. Don't ask the pretty models you don't know out for a date, don't loiter by the change-room door, and don't eat just the tops off the damn muffins. We mean it.  Treatment.  Our crew provides all kinds of services. The freelancers, too. If you feel the level of service you received was exemplary, we ask that you recognize that at the end of the shoot. It can be a common thing, like saying "thank you" [see: Be Good, above].

If you feel they performed their jobs well, but fail to reflect that, you might find grounds in your coffee next time. You and the crew are part of the same team: your goal is to get what you want. Communication is essential to this system: if you spot something wrong, let us know and we'll follow up. If your lunch isn't acceptable, don't take it out on the person who brought it to you. Let them know what's wrong and give them the opportunity to set it right. They'll take it out on the caterers, and they'll do the extra yardage to make sure you're satisfied.

Furthermore: Miracle Diets, Self-Inflicted Eating Disorders, Etc. (Vegans, Raw Foodists, et al).  So, you want no carbs, you want only non-GMO, hand-smothered, non-meat product, that's fine. You do what you want to yourself. Keep in mind this is a photo studio, not Susur's. Telling us when your bowl hits the table is too late to help you. Well, if you can convince a model to share her rice cakes or fruity-cup, it'll be a first for us, too.

Image Files to Go.  The lo-res samples of the day are available in nifty special envelopes for you to take back to your house. There's no download priority given to res-ing down, so from the couple hundred frames we shot, burning the files could take longer than you expect. If you've kept track of certain images, we can dupe them faster than re-sizing. When we tell you they can be picked up at the reception desk 20 minutes after lunch and you toss the cased envelope in your car to go for a four-martini afternoon, it's not our problem.

For example, on a hot summer day, a CD left on your leather seat will transform itself into white magma when you try to pick it up. This is not our fault, it is yours and you will accept responsibility for it and you will smile and tell everyone about the Nirvana-like joy we helped you achieve, and you will compensate us in kind [see: Treatment, above].  Special Variations.  We want to do right by you. If you want something out of the ordinary, let us know and we'll break our necks to make it happen. But if we've got a huge shot-list, there might not be time or resources to dedicate to your special whim; at times like that, it's in everybody's best interest not to mess with the set or the lights too much (especially the lights). Keep in mind it occasionally takes extra time, and don't be naive by saying you don't understand what that means.

Give-Aways.  This doesn't make sense, but we're serious about this. We don't give away lo-res prints or old-school Polaroids. Not for the back of your portfolio, your FaceBook page, your fridge door or your Mom, even if she says you're wonderful [make-up artists are a special exception but don't ask us to explain why].  The rule's been in place so long that no one here remembers how it started, not even the photographer. But tradition is tradition, and we are slaves to tradition. Well, we do adhere to that one thing.   Rest Rooms.  Our single washroom key is chained to a curling rock for good reason. People used to leave the key on the vanity, which meant the next person was confronted with unholy decisions. It's unlikely you'd forget lugging a curling rock in there so we figure it's likely you'd remember to bring it out. By the way, the Tele-Tubby key ring wasn't nearly as effective on weekdays.

Move like a Ballet Dancer (and other studio warnings).   Sudden or ungraceful movements on set can facilitate catastrophes. You are hereby warned and we are hereby absolved of responsibility. Power-packs can be dangerous; don't yank out the cables by tripping over them, or for any other reason. We won't have need to admonish you because you'll already be on your way to your next life. You'll just have to take that on trust. Chew your food before swallowing. Don't talk with your mouth full. Hot lights can burn you. Don't talk to a larger man's girlfriend. Please don't lie on the floor to demonstrate the next shot. Refrain from using your cell when you're being introduced to somebody. If something isn't yours, don't touch it (especially the lights). Asking the make-up artist to get you ready for the evening is not part of the deal, unless it's part of the deal. Boomstand counterweights can knock you out cold; just ask Jen. Don't pantomime or yell instructions to the model; a chippy model on set means your shoot is essentially over a barrel.

And don't, especially, hurl anything at the photographer while he's hunched over the camera.

Dedicated (with appreciation) to Jane Bongers; it had to be a Golden Pencil every time.